A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything - tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. he went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Paddy and Murphy were workers at a timber yard and sawmill.  One day Paddy had a serious accident, and cut his arm off on a whirling saw blade.  Murphy bound up the arm, put Paddy in his car with his severed arm in a plastic bag, and rushed him off to hospital.

Next day Murphy went to visit, and was told that Paddy was recovering so well he was in rehab, exercising his sewn on limb.  Murphy went to see him and found him doing press ups.  A week later Paddy was back at work.

A few days later Paddy had another accident and this time his leg was cut off at mid thigh.  Once again Murphy put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed Paddy off to hospital with it.  Next day Murphy went to visit, only to find Paddy in the gym doing star jumps, and again Paddy was back at work a few days later.

A few days went by, and Paddy again fell on to the fast rotating saw blade.  This time his head was taken clean off.  Murphy knew that this time it was really serious, and quickly gathered up the head, and bagged it in a new plastic bin bag, and rushed it and Paddy off to hospital.  Next day Murphy went to visit.  The surgeon told him that Paddy was dead.  Murphy said that he didn't think there had been much chance with an injury as bad as that.

The Surgeon said that he would have been fine, but for the fact that some idiot had put his head in a plastic bag, and the poor bugger had suffocated. 

Just a tap on the shoulder...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him of the shoulder to get his attention.    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.    
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK?    I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me..."    
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."    
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years..."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,"  "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

"BRING POSSE"

A farmer  was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer,  'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament!!!!!!!

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .
 
Now give me back my dog!!

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to the other, 'I can't be 
bothered to walk all the way home.' 
 
'I know, me too, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.' 
 
'We could steal a bus from the depot,' replies his mate. 
 
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. 
 
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?' 
 
'I can't find a No. 91' 
 
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout'. 

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.' 

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne. After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00. When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

Mohammed, a young Middle-eastern boy, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Australia .

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed" answered the kid.

"We are in Australia and there is no Mohammed here. It will be very difficult to pronounce your name in school. So, from now on your name will be Michael" replied the teacher.

That evening, Michael returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not 'Mohammed'. I am an Australian and now my name is Michael." replied the son.

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your culture, your religion? Shame on you, Mohammed" and she beat him.  Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Michael returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Michael?"

"Well, Miss, you wouldn't believe it, just two hours after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two bloody Arabs!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. 

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says...

 "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" 

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.  She  asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."  I bought her a set of scales.

 And then the fight started.


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her  someplace  expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for  Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'            'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! 
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'  So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 And then the fight started...

Rick wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company' Christmas Party. Rick is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.  As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.  

Rick had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose!! Rick sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.  

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom Mirror.  

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Rick asks, 'Son ... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,  

“Leave me alone, I'm married!!”

A man was digging his garden one day when his spade clunked into something metallic.  Carefully he eased the object out of the ground, and found that he had an old brass oil lamp.  He took out a rag and gave the lamp a bit of a clean up.

All of a sudden there was a bright flash and clap of thunder and there standing in front of him was a giant green Genie.

'Thank you' said the genie, 'for releasing me from my prison. You may have one wish'

'I would like to live forever' said the man.

'I'm sorry' said the Genie, 'but at the 1357 Genie Union Convention, is was agreed that we Genies are not allowed to grant immortality to mere humans.'

'Bugger' said the man,  'In that case don't let me die until I have seen England win the World Cup.'

'You crafty little bastard' said the Genie.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow!!

 Back to the Top

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.  He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and  immediately began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help.  I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, She happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?' Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'! The Fairy Godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful, the likes of him neither she, nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you had my nuts cut off!!!!!!!!!!

An atheist was walking through the woods. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could. Over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He saw that the bear was right on top of him, and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?’

‘Am I to count you as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

Back to the Top

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick…“

My small grandson got  lost at the shopping precinct. He  approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've  lost my grandpa!"

"The guard  asked, "What's he like?"

The  little tyke hesitated for a moment and then  replied,

"Red wine and women with big  tits."

Fergusson heard that there was a a striker in a Nigerian team who looked as if he had potential, so he signed him up and flew him to Manchester.

At the first team training session, Fergusson picked up the ball, pointed to it and said, loudly "BALL".  Next he pointed to his foot and shouted "BOOT".  Then swinging his leg "KICK".  And then pointing at the goal yelled "GOAL"

Putting it all together he called  "BOOT...KICK...BALL...GOOAAAALLLL"

The black Nigerian lad stood up and said " Excuse me Mr Fergusson, but I've had a good education, and I can speak English perfectly well".

Fergusson said "Sit down son, I'm talking to Rooney".

Week 23 - Doug

CATHOLIC  COFFEE

 Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
 
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
 
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room

people call him 'Your Grace'."
 
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

 The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
 
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well.....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall,8D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say,

"Oh My God!!"

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, the Irish use three tings for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these tings, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

Mrs Murphy was in labour.  Paddy was in the waiting room smoking, when the gynaecologist came out of the delivery room and said, " to be sure Paddy, you have a fine little boy, just popped into the world"

Paddy was overwhelmed.  "Ahhh tis a foine ting ta be a farder, to be sure"

Just then he's interrupted as the midwife calls to the gynaecologist that there's another on the way, and soon Paddy is a father twice over.  "Ahhh to be sure tis a foine ting to be a farder, not once but twice in de same day." 

Again the midwife calls out that there's a third one on the way.  "Ahhhhh praise the Lord, I'm a farder tree times in a day.  How is it doctor that arter all dese years trying me ardest, I get tree liddle people all at de same time?"

"It's difficult to say Paddy,  it's something that happens at the time of conception."

Later Paddy is with his wife Bridey who is also curious why years and years of bedtime combat have failed to produce, and then suddenly three in one go.

"Ahhh yes me dear" says Paddy  "The doctor told me dat it was someting dat happened at de time of conception, an I bin atinking.  We are da luckiest people in da whole of Ireland.  Remember when we ran out of Vaseline, and used 3 in 1 instead.  I'm tinking we is fookin’ lucky I couldn't find da WD40!"

A Welshman buys several sheep hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  

The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn.

Week 19 - Anon

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!"

Week 18 - Pat's Compendium

An ethnic person was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the ethnic person  if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust   "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn't know we had a choice!

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a  flight.  
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

Paddy and Murphy are working on  a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts  "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"   So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


Two Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?" "Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


Q.  What's a Catholic  priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A.  A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch  your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify  her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"  and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see  how they like it!"

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"

Colin, the Aborigine
 A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

 He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

 Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

 At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

 The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead  goldfish.

 Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.  The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

 The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.   How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

 The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said "No."

 Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

  Colin said, 'I want the B****** who pushed me in.

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding...  

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem Officer?  

Officer:  Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.

Officer:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one.  

Officer:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.  

Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Officer:  Why not?

Older  Woman:  I stole this car.

Officer:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.  

Officer:  You what?

Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  

The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.  

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The  woman steps out of her vehicle.  

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2:  One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner?  

Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.  

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite  stunned.  

Officer  2:  One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.  

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license. He looks quite puzzled.  

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner.

Older  Woman:  Bet the liar told you I was speeding  too.  

Moral:

Don't  Mess With Mature Ladies!

An ethnic couple, preparing for their wedding meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." 

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" 

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah. 

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
 
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
 
"Doggy style?"
 
"Sure! "
 
"On the kitchen table?" 
 
"Yes, yes!" 
 
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed!" 
 
"Can we do it standing up?"
 
"No." says the Mullah."
 
"Why not?" asks the man.
 
"It could lead to dancing."