Three little ducks go into a Bar......
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day.. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."      
 

A little girl asked her Mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mum replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.  Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home.'

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. He then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class, who belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she's only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m  going to Toronto and I’m staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto ".

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.  He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has  just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25  pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ...how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?"  "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips  on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

 "Had him circumcised."

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says  to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am."

"About  32," is the reply.

"Nope!  I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The  girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh,  I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus  to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He  replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I  was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It  sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He  bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He  pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she asks, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man  says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she  says.

"I was behind  you at McDonalds..."

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. 
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.   

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' 
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. 
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'   
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. 
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.   
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' 
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... 
So what's the other possible good news?   
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Paddy's in jail.  The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. 

Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye
been all this time, child?  Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,....Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

"OK, Daddy as ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£390,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £2,950,000" for it.

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" 

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he    became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising    Jesus...Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Abdul Shariff is a filthy rich Arab oil billionaire, in hospital for a serious operation, it is discovered that he has a very rare blood type.  The surgeons need a quantity of this rare blood just in case Billionaire Shariff needs a refill after the operation.   A world wide search ensues and a donor is found in the Scottish Highlands.  Angus McFlarty is only too pleased to donate a pint.

Three months later a brand new Bentley is delivered to his door.  In the boot is a sack of money and a letter of thanks from Abdul.  Angus is now rich.

But all is not well with Abdul.  he needs another operation, and so Angus is asked to donate another pint of blood.  This he does and the operation goes ahead and is again successful.

A month later angus receives a parcel.  Inside he finds a letter of thanks from Abdul, and a packet of shortbread.

Angus is a bit surprised at the meanness and rings Abdul and asks him why if last time he gifted a car and a million pounds, why only a packet of biscuits this time.

Abdul replies, .....Last time I didn't have any Scottish blood in me.

An elderly couple were having dinner when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.  Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” 

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.  Now tell me about the third time.”  

“Alright,” Martha said.  “So do you remember when you ran for chairman of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, the Nurse says,

'Congratulations, your wife has had quins - 5 big baby  boys.

' Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a Willie on me like a chimney.

' The nurse replies, 'You'll need to get it swept because the babies are all black.'

Ed came home drunk as drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!  He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.  He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

“My wife's"

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied  “Get in line."

THE CARING GRANDFATHER:

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
 
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
 
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
  
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"
 
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
 Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
  
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
  
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . The little bastard's name is Kevin."